How important would your successes be if you couldn’t tell anyone about them?
Don’t answer until you’ve done this little thought experiment.

The Claudia Schiffer Experiment

Imagine you’re a man in the ’90s, when Claudia Schiffer was the global symbol of feminine beauty. You meet her at a bar and strike up a conversation with her.

Then you have two options:

1) Either you spend a steamy night together, but you’re not allowed to tell anyone about it

2) or nothing happens and you both go to your own rooms, but you’re allowed to tell everyone that you spent a steamy night with Claudia Schiffer, and if anyone asks her, she’ll confirm it

1 or 2?

In the ’90s, an Italian men’s magazine actually posed this question to its readers. And an incredible 80% of survey participants chose option 2!
Some might dismiss this as a peculiarity of Italian men, but in reality the issue is much more complex and strikes at the root of our desires, the way we set our goals, and, in general, the reason why we do or don’t do a certain thing.

Why Do We Really Want Success?

Exploring why we do what we do would take us far beyond the scope of this article.; as any psychologist knows, most of our behaviors are adaptive—that is, they have developed to cope with a specific situation—and these behaviors continue to be repeated even when the conditions are completely different from those that originally gave rise to them, with all the problems and frustrations that result from this attitude.

The Hidden Need for Validation

Most of our goals serve to compensate for inferiority complexes and to satisfy the need for acceptance, the need for validation, and the need for admiration. These are extremely powerful motivators, just like anxiety, insecurity, fear, and lack of self-confidence. The problem is that they do not “go away,” no matter how great the achievements we dedicate to compensating for them. Anxiety, fear, insecurity, etc., will remain unchanged, despite the results.

Success Does Not Cure Insecurity

If the reason for making a lot of money is the fear of poverty, no amount of money will solve this problem: once you’re a millionaire, you’ll simply live with the fear of losing it all overnight. If the reason for achieving results in sports, the arts, or business is to compensate for low self-esteem, even in the face of great success, you will continue to live with “impostor syndrome.”

And so on.

The Importance of Asking “Why?”

As a coach, I have always warned against the danger of applying project management methods—which are valid at the corporate level—to personal life. In fact, despite what many coaching schools teach, which consider “why” to be the wrong question, my experience tells me exactly the opposite; when you want to achieve something, the first question is precisely “why” you want that thing—what is the real benefit behind it, beyond the obvious answers.

In most cases, we don’t know this “why”; we rationalize it, inventing explanations and justifications that have nothing to do with the real motivation, and the ability to uncover it is precisely one of a coach’s tasks.

The Question That Changes Everything

One of the questions I ask constantly, both personally and during my seminars, is: “How important would this goal be if you couldn’t show anyone what you’ve accomplished?” Usually, this is a moment of discovery and realization, because people come to see how much they do just for the sake of saying they’ve done it and showing it to the world. It’s certainly important to take others’ opinions into account. There’s no doubt that we can’t enter certain circles unless we demonstrate a certain level of success and financial achievement. The key is not to make this an absolute and not to let it be our sole motivation. Returning to personal goals: resolving issues related to anxiety, fears, insecurities, neuroses, etc., is not the coach’s role, and if these are present, it’s much better to consult a good psychotherapist.

Shining for Yourself or for Others?

However, a coach can help a person recognize these types of issues, which is already a huge step forward. The magic question, when it comes to any goal, remains: “Would I still want it if I knew I’d already achieved it?” If the answer is no, it’s time to ask ourselves other questions and, if necessary, work hard on our personal development.

Choosing Goals That Are Truly Yours

Otherwise, we risk wasting our lives pursuing goals that aren’t our own, working at jobs we don’t like just to have money to buy things we don’t need, with the sole purpose of impressing people who—most likely—don’t care about us at all.

by Bruno