“I’m sorry, but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
What you are and what you do speaks much louder.”
(R.W. Emerson)

“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”
(A. Robbins)

“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the first sign of insanity.”
(corollary to the previous statement)

“Before you open your mouth, make sure you’ve turned on your brain.”
(from technological wisdom)

“It is better to remain silent and appear foolish than to speak and remove all doubt.”
(from popular wisdom)

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I wanted to share a few famous aphorisms here, which can shed more light than a stack of books, because, aside from the fact that we’ll be wrapping up our study of Transactional Analysis, in this article we’ll revisit communication from a specific perspective. I mentioned that I would offer some advice on how to navigate situations created by “psychological games,” but that would far exceed the space I have available; keep in mind that the entire therapeutic aspect of Transactional Analysis deals precisely with this topic.
That is precisely why, instead of giving you a tedious list of games with potential “drawbacks,” I prefer to return to the basic principles of effective communication and focus on what is most appropriate to do, taking into account what has been discussed in recent articles.

The Cybernetic Model of Effective Communication

• More attentive readers will recall that in the October issue, I wrote about goals and the most effective way to set and track them. In that same article, I cited the cybernetic model as the most suitable in terms of efficiency. I’m bringing it to your attention again so you won’t have to flip through the “Business Ideas” collection:
  – defining the goal;
  – deciding on a strategy of action and putting it into practice;
  – monitoring the results;
  – changing whatever didn’t work, until the desired result is achieved.
  What I haven’t explicitly stated is that this same model can and should be applied every time one intends to achieve effective communication.
  So, first and foremost, we need to keep in mind that the main reason for communicating is to elicit a specific behavior from the person responding. This result (the “desired state”) should be constantly present in our minds and should serve as our reference point and guide. Otherwise, we risk getting caught up in psychological games, which would result—in the most optimistic scenario—in absolutely nothing.
  So, before we open our mouths, we need to ask ourselves a few questions:

1. “What do I want to achieve?” or “What is the goal of this communication?”
Maybe I want to clarify a situation, ask for something, express a feeling, thank someone, charm, scold, inform, build a relationship, etc.
If what we want to say or imply isn’t clear to us—and above all, to ourselves—then it’s obvious that we’ll have a very hard time getting the message across to the person we’re talking to.

2. “Given what I know about the person I’m addressing and their current state, what is the ideal way to get what I want?”
There are endless ways to express the same thing, but we must find the one that suits our listener; otherwise, we’re just talking to ourselves. Who hasn’t encountered a doctor, a lawyer, or a salesperson who overwhelms them with technical jargon, without caring whether they’re actually listening?
If you can recall how you felt, you’ll find it easier to avoid making this mistake.
It is also very important to take their emotional state into account; if someone is tired, scared, distracted, or angry, they may find it very difficult to be receptive. In such cases, it is far more helpful to focus on the relationship and listen empathetically, postponing what we wanted to say until a more opportune moment, rather than trying desperately to convey a message that won’t be understood anyway (in this regard, I recommend that you carefully read the excellent articles by Dr. Rodica Candea).

3. “Is what I intend to communicate more valuable than my relationship with this person?”
We often don’t realize how much harm we cause with our words. Whether we like it or not, we all suffer from a deep-seated insecurity—even if it’s skillfully masked—and we automatically react aggressively or play the “victim” if someone provokes us in one way or another. So, especially if you have to deal with personal arguments, ask yourself this question often: “Is it really worth damaging my relationship with someone just because I want to be right about some trivial matter?” Sometimes yes, just as it may sometimes be necessary to react with the utmost firmness; the important thing is to do so with full awareness, so that we don’t later find ourselves facing a situation we didn’t intend to create (I remind you that we are responsible for the outcome, not the person listening to us).

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Obviously, these questions will also help us when someone tries to communicate with us, especially if they do so in a negative way. Based on what I’ve said about the need for change and about negative “strokes,” it should be clear to you that a person who behaves inappropriately, aggressively, or is rude (let’s remember that all behavior is communication) isn’t doing so occasionally or because they have something against you, but because they’ve learned that this is the way to get their own share of “strokes.”
Reacting automatically would immediately draw us into one of the psychological games we discussed in the last issue: every role triggers another (Persecutor–Victim, Victim–Rescuer, etc.), and it takes a great deal of self-control not to let ourselves get drawn into a negative situation.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, there are no simple solutions; the best approach is to activate our “Adult” state—first, by refusing to initiate a dynamic that draws us into a negative situation, and second, by trying to steer our communication back toward one of the positive models we’ll examine below.

Positive Transactions

When discussing the Adult, Child, and Parent states in their various forms, it has been said that they symbolize, respectively, our rational behavior (Adult), our childlike emotional behavior (Child), and the behavior that reflects our parents’ patterns of behavior and authority (Parent). It is important to keep in mind that every state is useful and serves a purpose, provided it is used at the right time. This means, for example, that anyone in a position of authority (manager, educator, judge) will often make use of the Normative Parent state; someone engaged in creative work, on the other hand, will more frequently use the Child state—which is not the case, say, for an engineer, who will tend to favor the Adult state.
It is not, therefore, a matter of favoring one behavioral model over another, but rather of using the one that is appropriate for the situation and the person you are speaking with (and the state they are in at that moment). The key is to commit yourself to maintaining any relationship at the “I’m OK—You’re OK” level, avoiding as much as possible the roles of Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer. So let’s see what types of relationships allow for this.

1. The Directive Transaction

This is the Positive Authoritative Parent–Adult interaction, and it is used in all everyday situations that involve giving orders and instructions with the consent of both parties. It is essential to address the other person’s Adult state, as only then will they cooperate fully to achieve the desired results. Otherwise, if, for example, our attitude is that of the Negative Normative Parent, the other person will automatically activate the Rebellious Child or Adapted Child state, immediately transforming the relationship into an “I’m OK – You’re Not OK” dynamic, which greatly undermines the outcome of the collaboration. Similarly, this type of transaction can be used when we need to correct someone’s behavior. Only by separating the person from the behavior and addressing their rational side without belittling the other person can we achieve the best results. (The technique of maintaining good relationships with subordinates is so important that it will be the subject of a separate article. Obviously, those in managerial positions often find themselves in the situation of having to reprimand and correct their own employees. But there is a fundamental difference between saying, “You’re an incompetent idiot,” and saying, “You’re OK, but in this situation, your behavior wasn’t effective; let’s work together to find the best solution for the future.”)

2. The Emotional Transaction

This is the Affective Parent–Child transaction, through which we express esteem, support, and encouragement toward others. It is used when we praise someone, offer a compliment for a job well done, or acknowledge another quality of a person. (Warning! If the praise is not sincere, it will be immediately interpreted as an attempt at manipulation.) Similarly, this transaction is what allows us to support, help, or offer compassion to someone facing difficulties—whether physical or psychological.
Obviously, using this type of interaction when it isn’t needed will automatically turn you into a Rescuer.

3. The Informative and Requesting Transaction

This is the classic Adult–Adult approach, used whenever a non-emotional exchange of information is needed. It is used in all situations where people are working on a joint project and rely on a solid foundation of trust. The most difficult thing in this case is not to let ourselves be deceived—especially by ourselves—through the contamination of the states of mind we discussed in the March issue, or by hiding behind an apparent rationality, prejudices, preconceived judgments, and unreasonable demands.
(Logic is a strange tool; if not used correctly, it can lend a rational appearance to what is not at all rational, through a mechanism that psychoanalytic theory refers to precisely as “rationalization”; however, I cannot provide a solution to this problem because, if I knew one, I would be an immediate candidate for the Nobel Prize.
Still, most of the time it would be enough to reflect honestly on our motivations and beliefs, thereby avoiding the commission of gross errors).
The Adult–Adult transaction, as mentioned earlier, is also the relationship we must establish with anyone who tries to involve us in one of these negative psychological games.

4. The Authentic Transaction

This is the Child-to-Child interaction, in which we authentically and spontaneously address the other person’s Child state to express feelings and emotions. Maintained at the I’m OK – You’re OK level, it is undoubtedly the richest and most fulfilling relationship, one that allows for the free expression of the most authentic part of ourselves and which, in the March issue, we called “Intimacy” or “Proximity.”
Moreover, it is this process that allows us to tap into our creative side so that we can work together to find original solutions to a problem (in this regard, I want to emphasize that a rational approach, while indispensable for defining a problem, is often completely insufficient for solving it. Brilliant ideas have never been born from simple reasoning, but from creative intuition. And the great ideas that have changed the world are precisely those that, from a rational point of view, were labeled “impossible.” In the future, I hope to be able to talk to you about the technique called “brainstorming” (which you are, of course, familiar with), which puts precisely this type of transaction into action.

5. Parent–Parent Transaction

It forms the basis of what Eric Berne defined as “Recreation”—a kind of conversation filled with the automatic banter typical of bars or cocktail parties, where favorite topics are discussed not to convey information, but to build a connection with the other person. Although it could easily turn into the “Isn’t it terrible?” game, this type of relationship is so beneficial to social interactions that it can rightly be counted among the most positive.

As usual, one final thought: every time we manage to maintain a relationship at the “I’m OK—You’re OK” level, we contribute to making this world a slightly more pleasant place. Given that this is where we live, isn’t it worth it for all of us to make a small effort in this direction?