“Let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really love.”
Rumi, sufi poet

Why Most New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Goals and resolutions?
The first thought that comes to mind is, of course, that despite our “uniqueness” and the wide variety of possible situations, it seems we’re all alike when it comes to what we set out to achieve in the new year.

You’ve probably set personal or health-related goals for 2005 (sticking to a diet, quitting smoking, starting a fitness program…), perhaps professional ones (sending out résumés, asking for a raise, starting one or more projects…), related to study or personal development (to improve your computer skills, learn a foreign language, read some books…), or social/relational (to spend more time with family, visit some friends, write some emails…), and so on.

But, since two full weeks have already passed since the start of the year, if you’re like most people, it’s very likely that you’ve already started smoking again, given up on your diet, gotten tired of the gym, convinced yourself that learning a foreign language can wait, can’t find the time for family or emails, your resumes aren’t ready, and the conditions aren’t right for new projects yet… Do I really need to go on?

None of this happens as a result of a rational choice, but simply because we let ourselves be led by laziness and inertia and punish ourselves with the usual repertoire of justifications, reproaches, self-accusations, and frustrations—which have no other result than to ruin our mood and make us feel we fall short of expectations.

The Problem With Traditional Goal Setting

It is very likely that after this introduction, you are expecting the usual string of “American-style” advice and techniques about how we need to choose motivating goals, set priorities, prepare a plan, and so on.

There are hundreds, perhaps thousands, of articles and books on this subject, which do nothing but propose and re-propose the same formula in every possible variation:

• Set your goals
• Make a plan
• Put it into action
• Check the results and make the necessary changes

This formula, seemingly so simple and perfect, has one flaw: it simply doesn’t work, at least not in its current form. If it did work, we’d all be highly successful people; yet, in reality, it seems we know what we want, we know how to get what we want, but “something” stops us when it comes to taking action.

So, instead of repeating the usual clichés about “success” and “goals,” which you can hear and read everywhere, let’s try to look at things from a different perspective to see if there’s anything that can get us out of this rut.

So, take your list of New Year’s goals, promises, and resolutions, and take a first look at it. What do you say? You don’t have it written down? Well, that’s part of the problem, obviously, and we’ll see what can be done. For now, take five minutes and write it down NOW.

Note: actually write it down, because otherwise, there’s no point in reading this article; and write down exactly what you set out to do at the beginning of the year, not what you’re thinking now. Come on, it’s only been two weeks—it shouldn’t be that hard! And even if we find out we’ve broken our promises, we already know that anyway…

Goals We Want vs Goals We “Should” Want

Now take a close look at your list, and ask yourself the following questions:

How many of these goals are truly “mine”?
In other words: do I want to lose weight because I’ll feel better, or because that’s what fashion magazines recommend? Do I want to quit smoking for MYSELF, or do I want to please someone else? Do I want to do things for myself, or just to show that I’ve done them? Am I perhaps trying to do what the world expects of me?
A very simple question to clarify this is: if I were to achieve a certain goal, whatever it may be, but I weren’t allowed to show it or tell anyone—so only I would know I’d achieved it!—would it still have the same importance?

The Weight of External Expectations

You see, there’s nothing wrong with pursuing “public” goals, but here we’re trying to figure out where the resistance lies.
That is, we’ll separate the goals we “want” from those we “should” achieve.
So, cross out all the goals you feel are being imposed on you from the outside: by parents, bosses, the media, religion…

Did you do it? It’s hard, isn’t it? Let’s continue in our attempt to identify the things we “should” do:

How many of these goals are more than a year old?
This is the clearest sign that we “should” do that thing.
If every year you tell yourself you “should” lose weight and haven’t done it yet, maybe it means you’re comfortable the way you are.
If for years you’ve been telling yourself you “should” learn French, change jobs, or end a relationship and haven’t done it, it means you’re not that motivated.
The question is: if someone had threatened you with a gun, or offered you a million euros, would you have succeeded? Yes? So you see, it’s not about ability.
So, once again, delete these goals.

The Illusion of “Someday”

Note: Pay attention to your reactions as you delete these goals. How do you feel? Do you feel sorry? We’re usually very attached to these “shoulds.” Do you hear a voice telling you, “You’re not allowed to delete them”?
Keep in mind that if you delete something now, it doesn’t mean you won’t do it in the future; right now, you’re just doing an experiment.
Besides, if you don’t delete it but don’t do it (and if you haven’t done it in a year, it’s hard to believe you’ll do it now), what changes? Isn’t it the same thing?

Things We Postpone Do Not Exist

No, it isn’t. That’s why it’s so hard to delete them. As long as we have them in front of us and do nothing, they’re just things we’ve put off; but if we delete them, they become things we’ve given up on!
Okay, I’ll take this opportunity to tell you a secret: things we’ve put off DON’T EXIST.
Things are either done or not done.
The “put off” ones are the things we don’t do, but about which we say we’ll do them sooner or later in the future. And it seems that deceiving ourselves is a common activity for most people.
On the other hand, deciding not to do something means making a decision, taking responsibility for our own lives.

At this point, your list should be much shorter.
But let’s do one more thing: let’s try to examine the things we “absolutely must” do.
What happens if we don’t do them? What is lost? Who loses out? For now, cross off the to-do items that you feel are “obligations” (Note: if you haven’t done them so far, maybe they aren’t that mandatory…)

The Freedom of Letting Go

Examine what’s left (if you’re left with nothing to do, the situation is a bit serious; we’ll see in the future what can be done about it).
How do you feel? Guilty? Relieved? More free? If you’ve truly had the courage to set aside the goals you don’t really perceive as “yours,” the feeling is usually one of freedom and relief, the feeling that a choice has been made. I mean, it seems we don’t want to or can’t do a number of things anyway, so it’s pointless to lie to ourselves by saying we’ll do them. Better to let them go for now.
But, above all, when we make this choice, the feeling is that space has finally been created for something else—for something we truly want!

See, put your list aside for a moment and think for a few seconds.
Why do we pursue goals? For the goals themselves? No, of course not.
Goals bring with them new ways of life, new people, new situations; we pursue goals mainly because we know we’ll grow as people.

Why Goals Are Not the Real Goal

In fact, the biggest mistake is precisely to believe that goals and achievements have meaning and value in and of themselves, when their only value is the kind of people we become once that goal has been achieved.

Let’s take a moment to revisit our list of what’s left and add a few more items if there’s too much empty space now or if we feel like it.
And let’s ask ourselves this question: What kind of person do I need to become to achieve these goals?
More organized, more active, more dynamic, more…?
What would I do if I achieved them? What would I say, what would I think? How would I move, how would I dress?
Try to describe this person who would be capable of achieving these goals, in writing if possible.

Becoming the Person Who Can Achieve Them

Did you do it? Did you really do it?
Okay, now ask yourself: is this person I’ve described so spectacular? Is he or she some kind of Superman or Wonder Woman? Is it something completely out of reach?
Or are we simply ourselves when we express ourselves freely, without inhibitions, when we tap into the resources we know we possess but keep hidden out of laziness or fear, when we know we’re heading in a direction we truly perceive as “ours”?

We’d do better to remember that every goal, every “true” goal, serves only to help us discover ourselves; it is a step toward realizing our most authentic and profound self.

Your Higher Self and Authentic Motivation

But, take note, and this may seem paradoxical: for the process to work, it must proceed in the opposite direction from the one in which it is usually believed to proceed: attempting to achieve certain goals in the hope of expressing and developing certain qualities does not work; instead, we must focus on finding and recognizing our own qualities and abilities, and the goals and achievements will be nothing more than a concrete and inevitable manifestation of this process of improvement.
As someone once said: if you want to earn a million dollars, you must first become the kind of person who earns a million dollars.

In the next article, we’ll look at some unique methods for discovering truly interesting and motivating goals. For now, try this exercise to describe the person you need to become: I assure you that discovering and connecting with your higher self can be extraordinarily surprising and motivating.

Good luck with your work.