A Swiss friend of mine in his fifties—a stockbroker, smoker, overweight, and completely out of shape—decided a few weeks ago that it was time to call it quits: on December 31, he had a serious talk with himself about his goals, solemnly promising that starting January 1, he would go on a diet, quit smoking, and start exercising. And to underscore the seriousness of his commitment, he rushed to sign up for the marathon (43 km…) held every New Year’s Day in Zurich, then got the necessary gear and headed to the starting line that evening.

Every year, millions and millions of people all over the world make a list on December 31st of all the goals they want to achieve in the new year, making solemn promises of change, commitment, and improvement.
Every year, millions and millions of people buy books that promise to help them quit smoking, lose weight, get in shape, become rich, and achieve their goals: the self-help industry continues to be one of the most thriving, and the gurus of the field churn out bestsellers one after another.
Every year, millions of people attend motivational seminars, where techniques for achieving all kinds of goals are explained and applied, and they leave these seminars enthusiastic, full of energy, and ready for the massive action that will lead them to success.

At the stroke of midnight (we’re in Switzerland…), the starter gives the signal, and my friend takes off alongside thousands of other runners, full of enthusiasm, determination, and motivation…

The Illusion of New Year’s Resolutions

There’s a problem, though: these millions and millions of people do set goals, but after a few days, they give up. They make promises and vows, but they don’t keep them. They buy books, but they don’t get past the first chapter. They leave seminars feeling motivated, but only for a short while.
And the following year, they find themselves making the same promises, buying more books that recycle the same content, and hearing the same motivational speeches all over again.

And take note: this pattern of failure doesn’t just apply to the typical “I should” or “I really should” goals we promise to achieve just to please someone else, but to which we actually commit with little or no conviction.
No, I’m talking specifically about goals we care about, that are in our own best interest, and that we try to pursue with the utmost dedication. What mysterious force prevents us from achieving them?
Maybe we lack willpower.
Maybe we lack the courage to step out of our comfort zone.
Maybe we don’t truly desire that particular goal.
Maybe we aren’t ready to make the necessary changes.
Or maybe, changing is REALLY hard—maybe possible for others, but not for us.
Maybe.
What if, instead, the method is wrong?

The first 200 meters go by fairly easily, even if the cold air is annoying as you gasp for breath, but by 500 meters your breath and legs are already giving out. “I won’t give up,” you think, “I have an iron will, and I have everything to gain.” And you keep going, gritting your teeth…

The Printed Page Metaphor

Let’s imagine you’ve written an excellent article and have therefore printed it out.
But, upon rereading it, you realize there are quite a few typos and spelling mistakes.
You correct them with a pen, and then reprint the page. The mistakes are there again!!! You repeat the corrections with greater force and determination: to no avail, they reappear.
At this point, you grab an eraser, put all your effort into removing every trace of the errors, but when you print it… there they are again!
And despite all the methods used—increasingly firm and aggressive—to correct the page, every time you print it, it still contains the same errors, and you become more and more frustrated and discouraged.

Does that mean you lack willpower?
Does that mean you aren’t sufficiently “motivated”?
Does that mean you haven’t associated enough pain with the errors?
Does that mean your efforts aren’t truly massive?
Does that mean the document “isn’t ready to change”? (!)
Does that mean change is really that difficult?

What if, instead, the method is wrong?

Growing colder and more out of breath, with aching legs, my Swiss friend somehow manages to reach the first kilometer… but realizes he won’t make it to the second, let alone finish the marathon…
“I’m a failure and a nobody; I have no willpower. Other people must be built differently…”

The point is—obviously—that it’s completely pointless to try to correct the document without changing the source file, and in the case of this example, it seems blatantly obvious. But this is exactly what we try to do when we expect to change our behavior overnight, relying on willpower and self-punishment: it may work for a while, but at the slightest lapse, the slightest slip-up, or the slightest difficulty, our old self will take over again.
Not only that, but there will be an inevitable succession of guilt, loss of self-esteem, feelings of inadequacy, envy toward those who manage to achieve results, and so on.
All things that those who set New Year’s resolutions (but also throughout the rest of the year… “starting tomorrow…”) know all too well.
And every time we try again with renewed commitment, willpower, massive action, SMART goals, motivational techniques, and all the paraphernalia that self-help gurus offer us, the result will invariably be failure after the initial effort and the inevitable discouragement that follows. But if we’re stubborn enough, we tell ourselves, “Next time…” And we start over, repeating exactly the same failed strategies.

Exhausted, on the verge of having to call an ambulance, our wannabe runner spots an open fast-food joint: it’s salvation! He rushes inside, grabs a burger and a beer, warms up, and then—having caught his breath—lights up a nice cigarette.
“Yeah, this time I wasn’t motivated enough, I didn’t start off right, maybe the goals weren’t clear, the plan wasn’t well defined. But starting February 1…”

Project Management vs. Personal LifeFocus

One thing is certain: until the change takes place at the level of our identity (just as it does with the sheet of paper), our attempts to change our behavior will yield no results: On January 1 (or whatever date we’ve chosen for the “start”), we’ll continue to be the people we were the day before and will obviously get the same results.
After decades spent working on personal development and achieving peak performance in every possible field, I’ve come to believe that the formulas provided by various gurus are fundamentally flawed and useless: they work perfectly well for a company (it’s called Project Management), but trying to apply them to one’s personal life makes no sense. People keep talking about setting goals, making plans, and taking massive action, but they carefully avoid getting to the core of the matter, which is identity.

The Secret to Real Transformation: Identity Change

Because if we don’t change our identity first, every effort is doomed to fail:
at a certain point, running a marathon isn’t a matter of technique—anyone knows how to put one foot in front of the other. Not only that, the goal is clear and defined, and so is the route. So, according to current formulas, there shouldn’t be any difficulty—you just need to make the decision and act. But we know very well that finishing a marathon requires a high level of physical conditioning; it means having trained the body to use physical resources extremely efficiently; it means having developed mental strategies of the highest order (any runner will tell you that the psychological aspect is just as important as the physical one, if not more so); in short, it means BEING a runner.

Attempting to run a marathon when, in reality, our psychophysical identity is that of sedentary office workers, out-of-shape and overweight TV addicts, can only end in failure—perhaps even a dangerous one.

Stop “Doing” and Start “Being”

There is, however, an important point that makes the marathon metaphor not entirely applicable: while physical conditioning must respect physiological timelines and can take years, a change in identity can happen in an instant, as anyone who has worked with a professional coach can confirm: sometimes, all it takes is a phrase, a question, a nod, a shift in perspective, and suddenly that “click” happens, that “aha” moment that instantly brings about the desired changes. At that point, there is no longer any need for motivation, willpower, technique, or anything else.

The Identity Alignment Exercise

Talking about identity would take us too far afield, though I will certainly do so in a future article.
But to conclude, if you too prepared your list of New Year’s resolutions for 2019 on December 31st, try a simple exercise: try rephrasing each goal—which is usually some kind of behavior—as if it were an aspect of your identity, and then listen to the flood of thoughts and resistance that suddenly come to mind. If what you feel is a sense of falseness, annoyance, discomfort… there is a clear conflict between your goal and your identity, and willpower will help you very little: you’re simply trying to run a marathon without BEING a runner.

We’ll see soon what can be done. For now, have fun doing this exercise with a wide variety of goals, big or small. I guarantee you’ll be in for a whole series of surprises.

Good luck!

by Bruno